Member-only story
What is it like to love a narcissist? Empty, lonely, vacuous. A lifetime of loving my mother led to 15 years of loving my ex-husband, and while I can admit, with some relief, that I no longer love either, I’m sad to say I don’t know if I will ever love again.
At least, that’s how it feels. Narcissists are nothing on the inside; once they consume all of you, they leave you as empty as they are.
Today I looked in the mirror and suddenly saw myself for the first time. I hadn’t realized that I’d been looking at myself from inside my ex-husband and, before that, my mother. All this time, I’ve been like one of those Russian dolls looking out from inside the larger body.
Narcissists are huge; they take up all the space around them. They swallowed me, and as they digested, I looked at the world around me, feeling safe inside their slow-moving intestine, wearing their skin like a shield, not realizing I was dying.
Now that I’ve shed them both, I look strange to myself, sunken eyes, lifeless hair, and thin, papery skin. But a light emerges that I’ve not seen before. I’m in the process of belonging to myself, reclaiming my essential nature. My love belongs to me and to my body. It feels too new to understand or give away again.
