Ketamine Diary
Day five of Ketamine treatment. It’s only just begun, but I feel different. I’m on 30mg once daily, but the depression that immobilized me last week, the week before that, and the week before that no longer holds me. It’s like we’re walking alongside each other. No, it’s behind me, attached like my shadow as the sun climbs high into the sky. It whispers its solitude and longing, reaching out to clutch and claw at my soul, but I’m just out of reach.
That sounds romantic, and perhaps it is. I’ve been searching for the words to assign to this moment and find I don’t have many. That’s a new experience. Racing thoughts and crowding ideas jockeying for dominance have always been a constant. I’ve spent so much of my life paralyzed and confused. I never seemed to know what to do. How other people did things was a mystery. How they moved through the world, learning how to do things and how to figure them out. I never knew where to start.
The last three days have been the most consistently productive I’ve been in a very long time. I’m cleaning out the life my ex and I shared in our old apartment. It’s never felt like mine. I thought it would, but it’s permanently heavy with the death of the old hanging in the air.
