How I Stopped My Abuse

I ran from my trauma only to find it embedded in jobs and partners

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This is hard to say, even harder to explain to myself, but I will try. I’m so stressed I can’t breathe.

I always hated my jobs because they were re-enacting some aspect of my trauma. When you’re in your trauma, you don’t register it in the same way you do similar dynamics enacted on you by someone outside your toxic family system. It’s sort of like, “They’re OK, because they’re my family, but how dare you!”

And the feelings those abusive bosses and narcissistic systems triggered in me were world-ending. I have a hard time finding the words now, and to be sure, I’m confident the world is ending even as I type this. The money is running low, and I still don’t have an income and can’t work. I’ve applied for disability, but I’m sure I fucked up the application. I’ll have to call about that. But everything I’ve ever feared is coming to pass.

— OK, wait. Stop. Let’s back up.

Deep breath. Start again.

I must move, but I don’t want to, and that’s really what this is all about.

— Nope. Try again.

OK, here it is. The feelings. The terror. The sickening sink in the pit of my stomach. The swirling eddy of disorientation driven by…